mindquakes


my life may not be something special, but its never been lived before.


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mindquakes
 

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mindquakes
FRIENDS ONLY!!

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mindquakes
US TV chat show host ELLEN DeGENERES is set to shock fans by revealing she was molested by her late stepfather when she was a child, in a new magazine interview.

The lesbian comic tells the new issue of ALLURE magazine she was a victim of her stepdad's lust in 1975, while her mother BETTY was in hospital being treated for breast cancer.

DeGeneres, then a teenager, claims her guardian insisted on checking her for breast cancer lumps.

She recalls, "He made me let him feel my breasts. He made me lie down because he said he felt hers (mother's) when she was lying down."

After that incident, the comedienne's stepfather started to become violent when she refused his advances.

She adds, "He tried to break down the door to my bedroom... I had to kick a window out and escape and sleep in a hospital all night long."


Ellen DeGeneres says that when she has told people about her abuse before, they have told her that's why she is a lesbian. "But I was a lesbian way before that," she said. "My earliest memories are of being a lesbian
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I just read that online. I'm deeply saddened and angered me to hear that. This is kinda veering away from the Ellen topic, but I do not understand how someone who knows what it feels like to be molested could abuse another human being. If your little blanket of innocence and security was violently pulled out from under you as a young child I would think that you would want to protect other children from the same fate. It's not right for ANYONE to be haunted by flashbacks, to feel like an alien inside of their own bodies, or to feel worthless and used up like a fucking ragdoll. FUCKING BASTARDS!!!

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mindquakes
Emily, my love, you are my salvation. Thank you darling!

YAY!
mindquakes
Today a dear friend invited me to a Shabbat or Shabbat(i dont know if u say, "a shabbat" or just "shabbat")!!!! I'm not entirely sure what that involves, but nonetheless I am thrilled! I may even get to wear a kippa if I'm lucky. A kippa is a Jewish hat thingy...I learned that today. I just picked Rachel up from work and hopefully we will go out tonight. I want to go to L. They should have a good crowd. My brother, his date, and some friends took my car to prom so I will be driving my big, manly truck tonight! How great is that? I think I'll wear my suit and tie as well. It will be a fun night if I can muster up the energy to get dressed.
I visited Ms. Amelie today. She is so very enjoyable!!! She is an old lady in a nursing home. I gave her a picture of me and rachel and she put it up on her wall. She is sooo sweet. I love her dearly.

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mindquakes
Why do I feel the need to recant everything I do or say? Perhaps it is because I fear being judged by others. I'm not really sure, because I usually don't care what people think about me...this solitude is beginning to drive me insane. This day has been so long! I wish I had school today so I wouldn't have to dwell on my loneliness.

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Rachel made it into the Army! I am really happy for her. She shipped out on Friday. Now she is in South Carolina at Basic Training. After her three months of Basic Training she has to go to four weeks of AIT, then she will get stationed in either Louisiana, Germany, or another state in the U.S. for four years. I will miss her so much. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a lost puppy, but I suppose I will adjust.

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mindquakes
I just now broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. Maybe I broke up with her for a dumb reason...she thinks its dumb, but I feel like it is legitimate. She just allowed her mother and older brother to move into her apartment with her. I think that it is sad that she's letting them mooch off of her. Her mother would NEVER provide a home for her if she were on the streets. For her entire life her mother has treated her worse than a dog..literally! I don't understand why she would want to give her mother or her brother a home. Her brother is a fat, lazy, slob who will never amount to anything. He is a drug addict, and a nobody. It doesn't help that he is schizophrenic either. I've never been around such pathetic individuals. Rachel is going to turn into a loser like her family. I am not going to be with someone who lets people treat them like that. It is absolutely ridiculous! I am really upset right now, because I don't know what I'm going to do without her. It kind of feels like my life is over. I shouldn't be so upset though, b/c she chose her white trash family over me. I'll just focus on school and try not to think about it. (That'll be impossible) I don't know if I will ever love anyone else. I sound like a sappy romance novel. God, help me!

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mindquakes
I just needed someone to talk to.
You were just too busy with yourself.
You were never there for me to express how I feel.
I just stuffed it down.
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade,
but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made.
I never meant to fade away.
-a little piece of a Staind song is in my head.

Anyway, here I am again, sitting before this computer screen...knowing I have responsibilities, knowing that I'm not completely safe here--but still I refuse to pry myself out of this chair. I will not move, but it is not because I'm unable to move...or is it? I mean, sometimes people find themselves in certain situations and they are unable to lead themselves out of it due to circumstances beyond their control. I am getting older and I should be gaining more and more control of my life, but instead the concept of the "future" has overtaken my life and proceeds to force me into the dark corners of my mind. I am being forced to face my past, which is really difficult for me. I'm not sure if I would rather confront my past or look to the future, because they are both scary. At least the past is familiar. I tend to think of the "future" as this alien pulling my into his uncomfortable embrace. Yeah...I guess I'm alittle bit weird.

Procrastination
mindquakes
Procrastination is something I am extremely familiar with. Right now I'm supposed to be studying for biology, latin, and math, as well as doing my english homework, but what am i doing? I'm starting a new journal. Perhaps this is a pathetic attempt to forget the past...i don't know. I am the most confusing person I know.

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